Making It On My Own: Life, the Unexpected

Making It On My Own: Life, the Unexpected:     Life, the unexpected.   We've all experienced a crisis that happens to a family member or friend, and think, "that will never ...

Life, the Unexpected

    Life, the unexpected.   We've all experienced a crisis that happens to a family member or friend, and think, "that will never happen to me!"   I've had friends who have had some kind of major setback in their lives, and I would feel terrible for them.  However, it never occurred to me that I, too, would have a major crisis that would totally turn my world upside-down.  It did...that earth-shattering crisis...becoming a widow at age 56.  Sure, life does throw us an unexpected curve now and then...but seriously...widowhood...me??? 

     It was a mid-February morning, and everything appeared as "normal"as normal as possible, since my husband Darrell, had been going through a deep depression for several months.  Sadly, there were issues between he and a family member, that finally pushed him to end his life.  I had a strange feeling about mid-morning, to call him from work to check on him.  I work in a high school as a Paraeducator.  There was no answer on the home phone, so I tried his cell...again, no answer.  I left school immediately, panicked.  When I pulled in the drive, our pickup was there.  I went to the door, and it was unlocked...I yelled his name with no response.  My heart began pounding like it was about to jump out of my chest....he just HAS to be around!  I yelled out into the back yard to see if maybe he'd forgotten his phone, but again, no response.  When I turned around from shutting the door, I noticed the light on his the stairway to the basement.  Maybe he was doing laundry and he couldn't hear me.  Down the steps I went, again, calling his name.  Reaching the bottom of the stairs and turning into our laundry room, there he lay...a self-inflicted gunshot to his head.  I screamed as I looked at his lifeless and bloody body, trying desperately to run up the stairs.  I fell twice, I was hysterical...sobbing and screaming for help.  However, when I finally grabbed the phone to call 911, the reality of it  hit me...from what I saw, I knew he was gone.  I ran outside on the phone, crying, screaming, being told by the 911 dispatcher that I would have to calm down.  Excuse me???  Calm down...my husband was dead, and I was being asked to calm down?   Fortunately, the neighbors a couple of doors down came walking down the street from their walk...they came over to see what was wrong, and I was relieved from the insensitivity of the 911 dispatcher. 

     Waiting for the police to arrive, the neighbors stayed with me...not having a clue what to say to me, but standing with me, holding me up.  It wasn't long, until six police and sheriff's officers arrived and yellow tape was placed up to the door.  I was not allowed back in the house, nor was anyone in my family or friends...just the PD, and, our doctor, also the County Coroner.  Another neighbor arrived home, and brought me a lawn chair, as all sorts of people (our minister, neighbors, family, and, of course, the gawkers) were showing up from every direction.  My head was spinning...I was sick to my stomach...I wanted to throw up, but I couldn't.  Everything was as "normal" that morning, as it had been, since Darrell had been so deeply depressed.  Darrell had me utterly and completely fooled.  He didn't want me to know what he had planned.  Sadly, with most suicides, that's what happens.  They know how to cover up the pain, until they can't take it anymore, not wanting others to know, they just want to end the horrific pain they are trapped in.   

     Darrell was retired from 38 years of teaching Biology and Human Anatomy, at Ottawa High School.  Darrell was a well-rounded man; besides teaching, he coached wrestling and golf, and had been assistant coach in football and track.  He was notorious for unselfish amounts of Random Acts of Kindness and Paying It Forward for people.  He was an inspiration to so very many, myself included!  Heaven had gained an amazing Angel, and I lost a very special man.

     My daughter, Kristian, a PharmD in Kansas City, was working that day.  I called her sweet man, John, and told him what had happened, as I didn't think it was the best thing to do to a Pharmacist, who might be filling a prescription.  John said he would go over and tell her, and they would be here as soon as possible.  Darrell was Kristian's stepdad.  She adored him, and he did her.  We were married for 20 years, and he was very instrumental in helping me raise such a beautiful, intelligent and amazing young woman.  She affectionately called him, "Big Daddy."  Although there was nothing big about "Big Daddy," it was a name he loved!

     John and Kristian arrived soon after, and many of my co-workers were allowed to leave school for awhile to come be with me.  The next door neighbors, Mary & Pete, invited everyone in to their home.  I felt so very blessed and comforted that two of the teachers, Brian & Jamie allowed the Paraeducators to leave school, to also come be with me.  I had no words to make sense of what had transpired that morning...all they could do was cry with me, hug me, and try to encourage me in their own caring way.  I was truly blessed for the time and the love they were allowed to come over and spend with me.  

     I called my therapist, giving him the devastating news.  He told me if I could get to Emporia, he would work me in, (God Bless him), which my kids so graciously agreed to drive me to the next morning.  I knew Tim was the one person I could lose it with, and he wouldn't judge me...just do what he could to lead me in the best direction possible, and above all, care!

     Later we went to my parents' house, and after school was out, their little bungalow was filled with many of the teachers from school.  I couldn't believe how much support I received immediately after all of this happening!  Still in a deep state of shock, nothing was really sinking in.  People would say "I'm so sorry", and I seriously struggled to let their kindness truly get into my head.  It was so surreal...there's no other way to explain it. 

     That night, Kristian and John took me back to Kansas City with them.  They had an extra bedroom, but, I chose to sleep on their couch with the TV on.  Every few minutes, John would come out and check on me.  Eventually, with the help of a sleeping pill, I was out for a little while. 

     We returned to Ottawa the next morning.   Once again, John was at the wheel, and the kids took me to my appointment in Emporia.  Arriving at Tim's office,  I was an absolute, unstable mess, who genuinely couldn't think or feel at that time.  The kids took me up to the 3rd floor, where Tim came out to greet us.  It was a relief...I felt secure and knew that I was in a "peaceful place" for that hour....I'm very blessed to be able to talk to someone who so patiently listened to me talking in circles and bawling my eyes out.  I didn't want to leave...I didn't want to have to be a 56 yr. old adult and deal with more pain, more decisions I knew absolutely nothing about!  However, it was time to head back to Ottawa to the reality of my "new" life as a widow.

     That afternoon the kids and I went to the funeral home at 1:00 to make arrangements.  I was scared...never thinking about all of the decisions I would have to make.  I asked the Funeral Director, Jon, if it was possible to have an open casket for the visitation.  I was thankful when I heard "yes" come out of his mouth.  He was able to make that part happen...I just couldn't imagine myself, or everyone else, not being able to say "good-bye" to Darrell without paying their respects to his body properly.   As difficult as each question was to answer or make a decision, I appreciated the help the kids gave to me.  We picked out a nice oak casket, as Darrell loved oak.  (That's the type of furniture we...I have).  We finished up the arrangements from, what should go on the program, what type of thank you notes, his vault, etc., a person who hasn't experienced all of this, CAN learn from this widow.  Do your family a favor...plan out what you want for yourself for your own funeral.  Above all, make sure you have a will...including, a living will.  I've let fear go out the window, when it comes to planning what I would like to have at mine...as well, I've realized, it's OK to add humor in the service, as it celebrates a person's life, who they truly were!  I cannot believe the number of people, especially with children, young or grown, who DON'T have a will!  Please, don't be like some friends of mine, who feel that making a will only "tempts fate."  That's  ludicrous!   

     The visitation was Friday evening at Ottawa University Chapel, (a very HUGE chapel at that).  Darrell went to college at Ottawa University and graduated in that very chapel.  How ironic we would now be having his funeral there, as well.  Over 500 plus people attended the visitation.  I felt so incredibly loved and blessed for Darrell.  Many former students showed up, and patiently waited in a long line, that caused the visitation to run over by an hour and a half!  By the time my family & I left the chapel, it was 10 PM, and exhaustion was setting in. My feet and back ached, I had cried so much, my eyes were swollen and blurry...then, the realization came to me as I walked down the steps of the chapel, that the next day, we would honor the love of my life, have his funeral, and, the hardest thing to do, sit under the tent at the cemetery, where Darrell's handsome, but lifeless body, would be blessed and laid to rest.

     The church provided a beautiful luncheon before the funeral on Saturday.  I was presented with a beautiful knitted prayer shawl, that had been prayed over by a group of women from the church.  What a beautiful gift, I will cherish forever! 

     At 1:00, my family, the pallbearers and close friends, left from the church to go to Ottawa University Chapel.  There, I was asked, did we want to have a family viewing first, or after the service...either way, they've begun to close the caskets now during a service.  I chose to have it before, that way we would be able to not feel we were making those who would go to the cemetery, wait.  There was a tray/drawer in Darrell's casket, that we could put in small cherished things we each wanted to go with him...as well, they provided us with stationary to write him a letter.  Ugh...the gurgling feeling in my stomach was making me shake.  What do I write to my precious husband of twenty years?  After a heavy-heart and numerous tears, a few moments of thought, I put my private message in the drawer.  There was a dollar bill, a pin from school, among other memorabilia and numerous letters.  I knew he would be so proud of all that people wanted to give him...they were truly gifts from the heart.

     The service began promptly at 2:00.  Again, as the night before at the visitation, there were over 500 plus people to pay their respects!  I was escorted down what seemed like a never-ending aisle of the church, by Jon Wiggins, one of the Funeral Directors, (who painstakingly took great care of Darrell's body), with the family following behind.  Dr. Kelley, the minister from our church, gave an incredible sermon, along with a beautiful eulogy, from my now, school principal, and former student of Darrell's, Ryan Cobbs.  He did a beautiful job of eulogizing Darrell, choking back tears, as he occasionally looked at his notes.  Instead of having someone sing, we chose to have a recorded hymn, "Amazing Grace," by one of Darrell's favorite artists, Anne Murray.  As well, I chose another of her songs that he often enjoyed listening to on his computer, "Snowbird."  I always felt this particular song was appropriate for Darrell's life many years ago...should I say, "in another life?"  If the pain he experienced back then wouldn't have occurred, maybe his death wouldn't have transpired the way it did, nor so soon.  I know this may not make much sense to you, however, it does to me, and out of respect to my husband, I chose that song for him.  Kristian & I had mulled over ending with a very upbeat song, that Darrell loved and would sing in the halls at school and at home...hmmm....should we surprise everyone at the end or not?  With a big vote of confidence from Jon Wiggins, his former student, we went with it.  It wasn't on the program, so at the end of the service, Dr. Kelly announced that there was a "surprise," which even he didn't know about.  The chapel was quiet for a moment, the sound of sniffles, tears, and people blowing their noses.  Kristian looked at me, and I, at her...we knew what was about to happen, and couldn't help but be lifted from our tears, when....the music of Darrell's absolute favorite song, "Kung Fu Fighting" came on!  Tears suddenly turned to laughter, comments of "Oh, I remember Darrell singing that song in the hallways at school", or, "that was SO Darrell".....YES, we did good!  We chose a song that even Dr. Kelley was swaying his head back & forth to!  Before the song was over, Jon Wiggins came to escort myself and the family, behind Darrell's casket, for his last time in Ottawa University Chapel.  The song was repeated until everyone was out of the chapel.  I knew, as I walked down that long aisle, how Prince William & Harry must have felt after Princess Diana's funeral....gut-wrenching, to say the least.  Out the enormous front doors, Jon & I stood reverently on the top step, waiting until Darrell's casket was down the steps by the hearse.  Then slowly, down the steps, this widow, realizing the true reality of death and the sting of it all, was about to take my husband about a mile to his final resting place.

     Kristian, John, my parents and I, stepped in to the family limousine, giving time for those who were headed to the cemetery to pay their final respects to Darrell, time to get to their vehicles.  Bless my elderly parents, (in their 90's), they were struggling to make sense of all that had happened.  NO, their son-in-law should NOT have gone before them (in their minds and conversations), however, he did.  Kristian needing her John's hand to hold...and bless him, he was also holding mine...I think he felt the responsibility of stepping up to the plate for "Big Daddy" was on his shoulders.  I struggled to choke back the tears...I didn't want to cry anymore than I already had in front of my family...I wanted time alone to let it all out...let my eyes swell, beat my pillow with my fist and grieve...deeply grieve, over losing Darrell, especially through him taking his own life.  I knew, for the time being, I had to get through the short service at the cemetery first.  

    At last, we were following the hearse to the cemetery.  Many cars were pulled off to the side of the street, until the incredible number of cars were out of the chapel parking lot.  It wasn't a snowy or frigid cold February day, however, it was chilly.  Pulling into Highland Cemetery, I honestly couldn't tell you what I was thinking...I don't know if anything was really clicking at that very moment, or, if I was totally, completely numb to it all.  Seeing the green tent, chairs, and the place where Darrell's casket would lie briefly, we stopped.  The Pallbearers, Ryan Cobbs, Dustin Coureton, Terry Wallace, Don Campbell, Frank Garvin and Wayde Shea, took their positions and instructions of removing the casket to his grave.  We were then escorted to the seats under the tent.  Craig Dengel, the Funeral Home Owner, handed those of us sitting, blankets to lay across our laps.  Dr. Kelley read a Bible passage, gave a beautiful prayer offering Darrell's body to the ground.  Afterwards, people came through as we sat, giving their heartfelt condolences.  I was so very, very touched, by the number of teachers, and also Kristian's co-workers from Kansas City, who came to be with us, to mourn with us...to pay their respects to one AMAZING MAN!  I suddenly couldn't remember people's names....I didn't even recognize one of my precious cousins, until I asked Kristian who that was.  Yes, the grief of widowhood was rearing its ugly head at me terribly.   

     When the line had stopped, I got up from under the warm, wool blanket, and kissed my husband's casket...taking a rose from my bouquet that said, "Husband" and walked away in tears back to the family limo.  I kept wanting to say, "please, don't leave yet," but the time came, when I had to lean on what little strength I had, driving away from the casket that held the man I revered so dearly, as a husband,  stepdad, grandfather, teacher, friend and neighbor, that would soon be laid to rest peacefully.  His Angelic Soul in Heaven, already with God. 

     Now, I would begin to do the very best I could, at carrying on the legacy of the most important man in my life, my husband, my best friend, my love, Darrell John Bourque.  I would also find myself completely alone, with the unfriendliest of titles, "Widow."  Life does go on, although difficult as it may be, I put one foot in front of the other, literally taking it, one day at a time.  Now, I learn to do all of the things that Darrell did so well...floundering at times, unstable at times, and extremely lonely at times...but, I take what hand life has dealt me, and I'm doing the best I can, making it on my own.

Until we are reunited one day, again in Heaven, Darrell...I will love you, ALWAYS & FOREVER, TO THE MOON & BACK, Babe!!!    Your Loving Wife, Nancy